urm hello hi. how are u? so to the world out there, which is still much alive despites all the issues evolved, withour u I am still much more alive too. haha. if breathing counts, if heart beating counts and all I feeling is numbness, no happiness no sadness no more. just no feeling. I guess I'm too tired to feel anything, too tired for hopes, too tired for being my very own. I thought if I took care of everything, I will be the same too. all neat and organized and like nobody gets hurt. I am not hurt, I am bruised all over. I just cant feel anything anymore. I am too tired sitting in the corner, closing my eyes thinking when this will gonna end yet I'm still doing it.. I cant sleep while all I want is asleep in my dreams, at least I'll never feel anything, even though my dreams still appeared to be in black and white and in a field with only me and a house, and a kid in there. that kid told me to escape while I don't know where i'll be escaping, where's the end of the world, how long can I escape. I have no idea, I have no sense in escaping to anywhere. I'm just. trapped.  I'm just too tired in carving smiles on my face everyday to convince ppl I'm okay. I'm not. I'm never will. but what can they do? they cant help, they are still judging, nobody understands me, they said I am just overreacting, but how do u know? u never be in my shoes. u never feel what I felt. I hate when they think I'm weak. I'm not ! I'm holding on till today. I am still . I never show weakness when all I feel is the unbear feelings. sometimes I just cries before sleep in the dark looking up to the ceilings till I can sleep, till the demons let me rest . so that the morning after, I can put up my mask back to face everyone. and in the night I will sit and crying in the bathroom again and walk out like nothing happened. I am a nuisance that nobody wants my problems to get onto their hands. I'm scared to being happy. I'm scared to being normal. because the demons keep hunting back. I don't scared of things anymore. why being scared of things when the demons keep hiding in my shadow ?

     I feel so sad and empty inside. i'll be listening to my thoughts, pitying myself because nobody around me cant understand what I'm going through, they will said "stop reminiscing' . u never be in my situation, u never going through what I'm going through, anxieties never striked u and made ur heart race and mind goes mad and blank at the same time, u never feel the sudden cold in ur feet and the trembling of ur hands, how I go like crazy woman biting my own nail staring at everything, trying to calm myself. u never felt this. so why u gotta say it like it's easy?

   and yeah on that evening, I thought, 'yes, i'll get outta here, i'll be stand up to myself, I'm gotta be strong for me this time. I will be because I always will'. then I stopped listening to sad and depressive songs, I stopped myself reminiscing, I stopped myself being in the dark. I'll try getting more involved to people. i'll try to talk more. i'll try waking up early. yes, it did work. it worked. I can talk more. I stopped reminiscing. I locked and tying myself in the cage, swallowing the key. but the pain keeps begging me to untie. I'm just trying to walk away from all this pain. just ro find out that the ties, it become tighter and tighter . why I keep getting flashbacks things I don't wanna remember? and vain that keeps coming back. I left it untouched and sll the shadows keep hunting me . everywhere I go. everything I do. I combed my hair and I felt this sudden pain and I'm pretending that I don't feel anything, pretending I don't know what it is.. my insomnia got worse. so finally I let my guard down, my tears streamed down faster and heavier than ever. I thought I'm getting better. but I wasn't. I really wasn't.  the same night, I thought I want to reach out to others, so I find someone I trusted, someone to listen . but stop . it is shitty enough to tell someone what I'm feeling . but I've been told like my feelings doesn't coexist . by the person u trusted enough to tell. do u think I've never wanna get away from this? I told myself a thousand times! see? nobody understands. I don't think people understand how stressful is to explain what's going on in ur head when u don't understand it yourself. 

      sometimes I get so sad that it's hard to breathe. 

so tell me

how do you expect to talk about my demons 

when they're sitting on my lungs

if you know what i am battling

would you be shocked at how bloody and bruised I really am 

because I am the suffering prisoner and cruel sailer

I hope after this, i'll find courage to get up again, battling myself till the end. hang on there, i'll be feeling things again xx

070319

update: the one and only person I told about myself got scared of me and we're getting distant. I hope i'll never being so fool to think about reaching to others .forget what I said dear. 

I miss u, come back :( 

urm hello hi. how are u? so to the world out there, which is still much alive despites all the issues evolved, withour u I am still much more alive too. haha. if breathing counts, if heart beating counts and all I feeling is numbness, no happiness no sadness no more. just no feeling. I guess I'm too tired to feel anything, too tired for hopes, too tired for being my very own. I thought if I took care of everything, I will be the same too. all neat and organized and like nobody gets hurt. I am not hurt, I am bruised all over. I just cant feel anything anymore. I am too tired sitting in the corner, closing my eyes thinking when this will gonna end yet I'm still doing it.. I cant sleep while all I want is asleep in my dreams, at least I'll never feel anything, even though my dreams still appeared to be in black and white and in a field with only me and a house, and a kid in there. that kid told me to escape while I don't know where i'll be escaping, where's the end of the world, how long can I escape. I have no idea, I have no sense in escaping to anywhere. I'm just. trapped.  I'm just too tired in carving smiles on my face everyday to convince ppl I'm okay. I'm not. I'm never will. but what can they do? they cant help, they are still judging, nobody understands me, they said I am just overreacting, but how do u know? u never be in my shoes. u never feel what I felt. I hate when they think I'm weak. I'm not ! I'm holding on till today. I am still . I never show weakness when all I feel is the unbear feelings. sometimes I just cries before sleep in the dark looking up to the ceilings till I can sleep, till the demons let me rest . so that the morning after, I can put up my mask back to face everyone. and in the night I will sit and crying in the bathroom again and walk out like nothing happened. I am a nuisance that nobody wants my problems to get onto their hands. I'm scared to being happy. I'm scared to being normal. because the demons keep hunting back. I don't scared of things anymore. why being scared of things when the demons keep hiding in my shadow ?

     I feel so sad and empty inside. i'll be listening to my thoughts, pitying myself because nobody around me cant understand what I'm going through, they will said "stop reminiscing' . u never be in my situation, u never going through what I'm going through, anxieties never striked u and made ur heart race and mind goes mad and blank at the same time, u never feel the sudden cold in ur feet and the trembling of ur hands, how I go like crazy woman biting my own nail staring at everything, trying to calm myself. u never felt this. so why u gotta say it like it's easy?

   and yeah on that evening, I thought, 'yes, i'll get outta here, i'll be stand up to myself, I'm gotta be strong for me this time. I will be because I always will'. then I stopped listening to sad and depressive songs, I stopped myself reminiscing, I stopped myself being in the dark. I'll try getting more involved to people. i'll try to talk more. i'll try waking up early. yes, it did work. it worked. I can talk more. I stopped reminiscing. I locked and tying myself in the cage, swallowing the key. but the pain keeps begging me to untie. I'm just trying to walk away from all this pain. just ro find out that the ties, it become tighter and tighter . why I keep getting flashbacks things I don't wanna remember? and vain that keeps coming back. I left it untouched and sll the shadows keep hunting me . everywhere I go. everything I do. I combed my hair and I felt this sudden pain and I'm pretending that I don't feel anything, pretending I don't know what it is.. my insomnia got worse. so finally I let my guard down, my tears streamed down faster and heavier than ever. I thought I'm getting better. but I wasn't. I really wasn't.  the same night, I thought I want to reach out to others, so I find someone I trusted, someone to listen . but stop . it is shitty enough to tell someone what I'm feeling . but I've been told like my feelings doesn't coexist . by the person u trusted enough to tell. do u think I've never wanna get away from this? I told myself a thousand times! see? nobody understands. I don't think people understand how stressful is to explain what's going on in ur head when u don't understand it yourself. 

      sometimes I get so sad that it's hard to breathe. 

so tell me

how do you expect to talk about my demons 

when they're sitting on my lungs

if you know what i am battling

would you be shocked at how bloody and bruised I really am 

because I am the suffering prisoner and cruel sailer

I hope after this, i'll find courage to get up again, battling myself till the end. hang on there, i'll be feeling things again xx

070319

update: the one and only person I told about myself got scared of me and we're getting distant. I hope i'll never being so fool to think about reaching to others .forget what I said dear. 

I miss u, come back :(